Deception and the Destruction of Your Relationship
Information and resources for dealing with lying and deception in a romantic relationship. For me personally relationships are based on a foundation of trust, so I personally do not think a relationship based on lies and deceit will last. As we get older there are certain things we shouldn't tolerate in a relationship. Our lives are complicated enough; filled with careers, family.
While we would not automatically recommend continuing a dating relationship with this kind of person, sometimes there is a good outcome.
Good relationships are built on lies & deceit
So, we do not want to make a rigid rule. But, our feeling is that dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage. Just because the person is lying out of fear does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars.
No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason. Spend your time and heart on honest people. It is often too risky, from our perspective, to get involved with the fearful liar. If the person gets better and comes back repentant, that is one thing. But, you should not think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern.
There are some people who do this on occasion and confess it, and probably can be trusted over the long haul. But, patterns of this type are problematic.
The Two Types of Liars
Whatever you decide to do, whether you stick in there or not, make sure that you do not go further until the lying issue is forever and certainly in the past.
Remember the words of the wise instructor: Do not go on to other issues until the lying is solved. The second kind of liar is a definite no-go. They make it almost impossible to have real trust ever again in a relationship. If your partner has cheated or if you feel that he or she will cheat again you have a trust issue.
In addition to lying to you, he or she is making you constantly wait for "the other shoe to drop. Staying together is not an option for you. Life is too stressful. I absolutely cannot trust him.
Once I caught him in a lie that changed everything.
I can't take him back no matter how charming he seems to be right now. A fifty-something woman confided to me about what her new husband had done that constituted a complete marital trust breaker. In the glow and trust of a new marriage she had put his name on her checking account.
A week after coming home from her honeymoon she had gone to cash a check for two hundred dollars only to be told there were insufficient funds in her account. Her new husband it seemed had used her money to pay off his heavy debts he had accumulated with his first wife, debts this wife knew nothing about! He had told her that he was debt-free when they were dating. After I left he wanted to 'try again' but I was not willing to be with someone who was untrustworthy.
While his depression did not go away when he met his wife, Catherine, he put it to us like this: I used to have trouble getting out of bed most days and I thought a lot about suicide and even made one attempt.
These last 5 years being with Catherine, I've only had two depressive episodes. Joe was certain that Catherine had cheated on him on the trip and was feeling suicidal. He felt he could never trust her again.
In an individual session with Catherine she broke down crying, "I want you to understand, since I met Joe, for the most part I've been so happy and fulfilled. I've never felt alone, and I think he is really sexy, but I did lie to him and I feel horrible.
The Danger of Lies in Marriage and Relationships - FaithGateway
There is no excuse for what I did, but I want to explain. I went on the trip and, while I was there, I kissed a friend of mine. I'm not even sure exactly why I kissed him but I think I was just feeling so suffocated, and on the trip I felt so free. I got pretty drunk and I was feeling this wild, playful part of me that I've kind of lost. I love Joe more than anything in the world, and I am so happy that I married him, but his depression has been really hard.
I feel so selfish when I say it, but the two times it's gotten really bad during our relationship, it was because of something I did.
Joe can get really jealous and insecure and he takes my occasional flirting as certain evidence that I will cheat on him someday. In general, he is very anxious when I hang out with my friends. The first big depression was after he saw a playful chat I was having with a guy at work that had some sexual innuendo in it.Never Trust Deceptive Women